Today I wanted to quit, this entrepreneurship shit is hard beloved. I have started down this path before, I would say 8 years ago. Back then I had a voracious appetite for success and a deep desire to prove myself; as a woman, as a hustler, as a business person.
I was relentless, vicious and unapologetic. I was brutally and often times rudely honest with the clients I worked with, but I was good, I got the job done. Life sucker punched me multiple ways back then and I have never been the same. So now here I am, home from my corporate job battling for stable ground with my mental illness and mood disorder diagnoses, and trying to figure out who the fuck I am, what I am good at and what I am supposed to be doing as an adult.
One would think that this would not be the most optimum of times to take a leap into the tumultuous unknown that is entrepreneurship. Get better, go back to your stable and very safe corporate role Yoshi, the stability will help you get better. Except I have learned by internal and external organizational changes in the business world, that there is no stability in being an employee, not whilst someone else dictates your viability and your necessity.
You see as an employee, someone else determines the value of your work, the benefits you can invest into and the necessity of your role. As quickly as your role is created, so too can it be outsourced or simply be made redundant. Most North Americans live on the sword’s edge; paycheck to paycheck, banking on the stability of their role as employees. Soaring lending debt, extravagant lifestyle demands driven by traditional and social media, uncertain corporate stability as companies struggle to remain relevant and viable in the new market; all create less stability than ever before. So I decided to try and see what it takes to build something that would generate an income and that I could be fully invested in the stability of.
The reality check is that contrary to the thousands of business coaches, strategists, experts, and gurus; there is no color by numbers, follow the steps formula for success. Yes, there are certain business guidelines/laws most businesses must follow in order to be structured for success. But, plenty of correctly built/structured businesses have failed, because of the variables- lack of market interest, market saturation, timing, lack of resonance, lack of funding, lack of resource, lack of moxie….lack of something.
Circle back to me and I am going to keep it 100…I am failing forward. I owe more money than I have ever owed in my life, my business is in the red (you want it to be in the black), I honestly have no idea what the hell I am doing, I am suffering from information overload (a webinar a day habit), at 33 I live with my mother, I am stressed, suicidal, overwhelmed, broke, mentally unstable and emotionally exhausted. As you read this I am vacillating between meds as my doctors try to help me normalize my life and I am no one’s success story.
By all accounts, I am a cautionary tale to keep your ass in that safe and consistently paying corporate JOB. Which brings me to my point, this shit is HARD. But entrepreneurship is not a job, it is a daily choice to face down obstacles, rejection, disappointment, failure and more and keep pushing anyway.
It is understanding and committing to a litany of failures and very few, very sporadic “successes”, that validate that you truly have ownership of your destiny. It is not for everyone, heck at this point I recommend it for no one. Yet I have never been so sure, that right now, this chaos is what I am supposed to be doing. I haven’t given myself a cut off date for when I will go back to responsibly adulting, maybe if the stars align I will never have to. I have no idea if this reckless and very expensive leap of faith is contributing to my lack of wellness, or is simply a symptom of my illness. All I know is that it is keeping me alive because every day I wake up curious to see how many obstacles I will overcome, how much more creative, resilient and indomitable I can become. Every day I own my life, and that is a choice that I will choose every single time